talk about exhaustion..

i just fell asleep on the kitchen table and didn't even hear the timer go off for my tea.

alternative medicine.

today we went to the chinese acupuncturist and herbalist. the whole day, i made jokes about my mom going back to her roots for wanting to take me. her coworkers had rave reviews about how the herbs and acupuncture has helped with there ailments, and my mom said she'd do anything to find what makes me feel better. so this herbalist. dr. chi's office was in a tiny room in a building in chinatown. as soon as you walk in, the scent of all of the herbs just smacks you in the face.

he gave me a contract to read and sign, which made me panic. reading the side effects of acupuncture and the wording of his contract freaked me out completely. after we established i was not interested in the acupuncture aspect of his practice, we went into an even smaller room and started the consultation. i told him about the fibromyalgia, asthma, migraines, anxiety, and lack of sleep; he asked a bunch of questions and wrote everything down in chinese. he checked my pulse on both wrists-- his finger movements reminded me of accordion playing. he wrote some more things down in chinese, then he started shuffling through the wall of drawers behind his counter. 

dr. chi gave me two bags of a mixture of herbs, which would last me for four days, along with very strict instructions on how to cook them. he said the cooking method is very important. he gave us an example: there's an herb to relieve constipation that needs to be cooked for five minutes-- if it's cooked for thirty minutes, you'll get the worst case of diarrhea.

these are some of the herbs he prescribed. i actually asked him to write them down for me, but he said he doesn't know their english names.

so these are the cooking directions (i'm writing it as it is printed, so excuse the improper spelling/grammar:

cooking for the 1st time: empty herbs from the bag in a (ceramic/glass/stainless steal) pot. and 40 oz. of cols water, cover the lid. high fire, bring to boil. turn fire to medium, simmer for 45 minutes. shut off the fire, and pour out the tea. should have about 10 oz. of tea. remain the herbs in the pot for the 2nd time cooking.

cooking for the 2nd time: add 20oz. of cold water into the remaining herb from the first time. high fire, bring to boil. turn fire to medium, simmer for 30 minutes. shut off the fire, pour out the tea. should have another 10oz. of tea. put in refrigerator to keep fresh for the next day use. 

drink direction:

drink the herbal tea 1 hour after lunch. or 1 hour after dinner (3 hours before bed time). never drink the tea on an empty stomach. always drink when it's still very warm. be careful do not get burn. never drink the tea when it's cold.

so we followed the directions and this was the result. this was absolutely the most disgusting thing i've ever ingested, but at least dr. chi put a brown sugar cube in the bag to cook with the tea.

my mom was prepared to dish out a hefty amount of money, but since i didn't get the acupuncture and only bough herbs, she only paid $21: each bag of herbs was $8, and he charged $5 to check my pulse.

i drank the tea about two and a half hours ago, which is why i'm awake writing this post. as exhausted as i am, i'm trying to follow these directions and not sleep until three hours after drinking it. i did some homework for my illustration class, made three bracelets, and started a new strand of waist beads before starting this. 

i'm sitting in my living room, watching chopped champions ondemand, in a world's worth of pain. my left foot is ridiculously swollen, along with my right hand. my left wrist with the cyst, hips, and shoulders are throbbing. i'm hungry, and everything hurts. i just want to eat and sleep.

...people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

i love me some maya angelou.

life's supposed to be a party..

yesterday was a long one. i sent out an order of bracelets for my darling keeta in maryland, went to breakfast with darrel at one of the local diners, made bracelets for another order, one for my mom, and one for me to wear last night.

i'll start posting information for the bracelets soon.

last night i went to a little karaoke party for my friends's birthdays. i felt extra exhausted yesterday, but since i've gotten sicker i haven't seen my friends, so i really wanted to go. i left the house mentally prepared to handle the pain that would follow the next day.

i had a drink: about two shots worth of bacardi coconut mixed with pineapple juice. that got me a little tipsy-- i'm not a hard liquor drinker. i'm a wine and champagne type of lady.

overall, the night was fun: full of laughs. i love my girls to death.

today i felt so sluggish. i was doing pretty well for the most part: i drove around with my aunt for a bit, picked up the dogs from the groomer, went to the supermarket, and dunkin donuts. i was exhausted the whole time. as the day progressed, the migraine came on, and my head literally felt heavy. my eyes are red, which is really weird. and this damn cyst on my wrist is getting the best of me.

i should get to bed. tomorrow's a long day with work and school.

so i've had a fever for the past twenty four hours or so. that explains a lot.

damn these migraines.

the nerve of my nerves.

on my way home from class last night, as i stood on the subway platform waiting for the a train, there are a couple of starving artists playing strings. they were damn good; in any other situation, they'd be quite soothing.

from the time i left work to the time i got to school, i had this really uneasy feeling; my breaths were becoming short and shallow. class went fine. great, actually. i was in my zone, drawing for hours, and there was really good energy in the class. for the commute home, that feeling showed itself again, and proved it was here to stay. on the train, my breaths became shorter and more shallow, and they continued as i got in the car with darrel and drove the rest of the way. by the time he pulled up to the house, i was extremely weak: he had to carry my bag to the house because it was loaded with sketchbooks and art supplies. i pressed my body against the door because i barely had enough energy to close it behind him, and as my mom asked me what was wrong, i broke down and cried. my legs got weaker, i collapsed in her arms, and i cried.

she just stood there, holding me.

and i cried.

and cried.

and cried.

she brought me into the kitchen and tried to get me to eat something; i had no appetite, i still could barely breathe. she tied my hair up in a bun, helped me downstairs to my basement apartment, undressed me, and got me into bed. she plugged in my humidifier, put on my white noise app, and that was my night.

11p, the typical fibro tingling came on stronger as ever, and i cried myself to sleep.

this morning, she crawled into my bed and held me some more. about an hour later, she called my job and left a voicemail for my office manager saying i wouldn't be in because i wasn't feeling well. her calling can either go pretty good, or really, really bad.

but if i can barely breathe to talk, what am i supposed to do?

i feel like i had ninety anxiety attacks...

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the whole time my mom was with me last night, she kept saying she now has to take care of her husband and her only child. it really hurts my heart to see my mom have to go through all this, but i love her for being strong enough to cope.

now i'm in my bed; my legs are still numb, and i'm hungry. walking is the farthest thing from my mind right now because every single muscle in my body is sore. my dad is upstairs. i really hope his home attendant is coming today, because i really can't take care of both of us

i'll probably be on the computer between sleeping, eating, and crying, either watching hulu or getting some design work done.

i got home from class and collapsed in my mother's arms and cried because i'm so weak. i can't do this.