the last of 2011.

it's me. you haven't seen my face for a while, i know, and i'm sorry. things have been hectic, and life is slowly getting into a routine for me. i have to look back at other posts to see what i need to update. so much has happened, and i can't really remember the last few posts i did. this is bad =\

school: the semester didn't seem to end well for me. i barely did two decent assignments out of three, my heart and head just wasn't in it. my anxiety was at an all time high this semester, so when it came down to the last few components i needed to get a decent grade, i threw in the towel. i'm not mad in any way, because i know how hard it was for me. normally i wouldn't do this, but i admitted to my professor that i was overwhelmed: big mistake. i told him i had a lot going on in my life, and he decides to turn to the rest of the class with "is this class overwhelming for anyone else? does anyone else have shit going on in their lives?" how dare he? i was in no way using that as an excuse, since i blatantly said i didn't do what he asked, but don't broadcast my business to the rest of the class. 

but that's over. a few days ago, my mom asked what i'm doing next semester, and i said nothing. she flipped at first, but when i explained to her that i really need a break after the riot of this year with my health, she settled down.

i colored my hair a little, this ombre-kinda thing, so it's just the tips. you can't really see it, but i like it. i'm debating if to add more color; i just don't want to fry my hair and have to cut it off. 

sleep apnea: oh. my. goodness. this is torture. 

i got the cpap machine. i have to use it every single night. they're tracking it, and if i don't use it at least four hours a night, my insurance won't pay for it. boo hoo.

 the damn thing falls off almost twice a night. last night it stayed on, though. i noticed my hair plays a big part in keeping it in place. if my hair's in a pony tail, it's too smooth so the band just slides off. my hair's twisted, so there's more texture there for the band to hold on to. i'm glad i figured that out.

i threw a surprise anniversary party for my parents a few weekends ago. they've been married for twenty eight years. i love these old people. it was a lot of fun. my cousin brought his dj equipment and played great music, darrel bought a bunch of party platters from costco, and i got them a really small modern wedding cake. i even made punch de creme for the first time, and it came out really good! alex came up to help out the night before, and we exchanged christmas gifts. she really is one of my closest friends, even if she's four hours away.

christmas was good. darrel got me these toms i've been lusting over, and i got him a home photography studio. our one year anniversary is next weekend, and i can't wait to see what he has planned.

oh, and i'm starting savella again, but at a lower dosage this time. i'll get more into detail in a later post.

business has been decent. i've been really busy this past week! i actually have a meeting in a few hours to talk about expanding, which is why this post is so short.

it's new years eve, i'm about to get started with my usual traditions: i always bring in the new year with clean hair (which i washed last night), a fresh mani and pedi, which i'm about to get ready to take care of, and a new tee. i'll be wearing my babylon cartel tee i bought from my boys gianni and cory. i'm a big supporter of young business people. tonight we're having a small house party at darrel's.

my next post will be in 2012!

happy new year! 

thanksgiving pictures.

there are plenty more. i'll post them once my cousin sends them to me.

thanks.

as i'm having leftovers for breakfast, let me take this time to reflect.

i'm not thankful for my health, but i am thankful that i'm alive.

i'm thankful for the people in my life: my parents, the few family in my family that i have an amazing relationship with, my husband-to-be, my absolutely amazing friends-- travis, cory, alex and charleigh to name a few.

i'm thankful to have a job, a roof over my head, and that i've never experienced a day of hunger.

that's all.

i'll promise to do some posts this weekend.

sleep study review.

this was probably one of this most nerve wrecking experiences ever.

first off, it took is forever to get there, and when we finally did, it looked like a whole in the wall.

fast forward to the set up: i had to pull a bunch of wires through my clothes to have the sensors on my legs. one went on my clavicle, on one my ribs, four in my scalp (this is why i was told to braid my hair), and a few more on my face. then came the tubes in my nose, followed by a piece of gauze stretched over my head and bands clipped around my torso to keep everything in place. when i was hooked up to the computers and we were ready to begin, i had to turn off my phone because the signals could interfere with the computers and cause me to have a seizure.

there was an intercom that the tech would use to communicate with me, and a camera. i was instructed to do things, like move my eyes, breathe through my nose alone, then my mouth alone, and hold my breath at the beginning and end of the test. if the results come back and i do have sleep apnea, i'd have to go back and to everything all over again, but i'll be given the oxygen tank and mask to figure out how much i'd need every night.

now here's the emotional part:
the night before the test, i cried. i got to the lab and i had the biggest attitude. when my mom and darrel left, i cried some more. while i was getting all the sensors put on me, these darling loved ones of mine thought it would be a good idea to take pictures and laugh. i asked them to stop, but of course, they didn't. that really hurt, and made me so angry. when i got home, my mom asked about my attitude; i told her, and she had the nerve to say i had no reason to act like that. that pissed me off even more.

-----------------------------------

i started this post on monday morning; it's now thursday evening, and i'm on my way to doctor sury's office. he called monday morning when i got to work, saying she needs to see me. her tone of voice was very discomforting: you know that tone that doctors have when they have bad news.

we'll know very soon...

sleep study day!

don't i look excited? my hair is now washed and braided, and i'm looking like a 90s r&b singer. at least that's one less thing to do for tonight's sleep study. i need to throw my pajamas and pillow pet ina a bag, shower, eat, and be ready to go by 6:30p.

it's snowing in new york city. this is strange for october. we have to drive through the slush just to get to the sleep lab.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

last night darrel and i drove-- well, he drove us to nassau county in long island to go to the cheesecake factory. i've heard about them for years and never tried it. the food was average, as in most chain restaurants. the dulce de leche cheesecake was average, too. slight disappointment, but darrel was so excited to take me since i've never been, and he said i had such a long week and needed a date. this week, i was in tons of pain. a lot of soreness in my shoulders and legs, and swelling in my fingers. when i have flares, i get extra bitchy and moody, but he kept his cool. i love him.

---------------------------------------------------------

now culture(d). is up on etsy. making bracelets tend to calm me a bit. sales have been going pretty ok, luckily, i'm not depending on this to make a living. here are ten new bracelets i need to take pictures of an post, but of course, the weather's preventing me from doing so. in the mean time, if anyone wants to check out the online shop, it's CisforCultured.etsy.com

i got a bunch of packages in the mail! lately, i've been getting at least one almost every day, and they're always beads, but not this time. one package was a pair of black knockaround. fort knocks sunglasses i ordered a few days ago. darrel bought me these in tortoise when i got out of the emergency room. two days later, i went back to get a black pair and they were sold out. i wear a ton of black, so i'm uber excited to put these to use.

another package was a surprise from my favorite sis, alex. we started making jewelry about the same time, and she sent me her newest creation, duafe earrings. the duafe, or wooden comb, is the west african adinkra symbol for beauty, cleanliness, and desirable feminine qualities. i can't wait to wear these. i've actually been thinking about getting a duafe tattoo..

my square also came in the mail today! i can now take credit cards on site, so if anyone sees me and wants to buy a bracelet, you don't have to go through etsy! that actually wasn't the purpose of me getting this: that will be revealed at a later date.

i'm tired and in need a nap, but of course, i can't take one. i should attempt to get some things done before having to leave. maybe some homework, because i'm definitely behind.

i know i'll have a very emotional post to write once tonight is over.

flaring.

i haven't had a flare in a pretty long time. a week or two maybe?

swollen hands, headache, sore and achy shoulders, not to mention my wrist. my body's throbbing and my stomach is killing me. i'm trying to fight through it. i have a graphic novel draft due on monday, on top of cleaning my basement apartment, making more bracelets, and taking the pics for the etsy site--which will be up by sunday night.

it's hard being in pain when your boyfriend's at a strip club, but that's a whole different story that i can't bare to think about.

dr. sury called. twice. first, she called a few days ago to change my appointment from friday to saturday, and that was fine. i had plans that i was definitely looking forward to, but this is more important. she called again tonight, trying to get me to come in tonight. the first thing that came to mind was having to wash and braid my hair in pain. luckily, my mom wasn't having it. she doesn't deal well with last minute issues.

on a brighter note, i came home to three packages! one was four strands of beads, another was my marc jacobs mini lock necklace, and the other was candles and a wallflower from bath and body works. and i did a little shopping at h&m during lunch.

let me get some cleaning done.

sleep? what's that?

this weekend alone i've been feeling insanely sleep deprived. ugh..

when i saw the neurologist back in august, he gave me a referral for a sleep study. i finally saw the doctor this past thursday for the consultation. the doctors office alone freaked me out. the bed. the machines. all i could think was "am i really supposed to sleep here?"

dr. kala sury came in and looked me over: she checked my eyes and mouth, then looked up at the top of my head.

"is that all your hair?"

i was confused when she asked, but then she explained that it would be difficult to get to my scalp to perform the tests through all of my hair. it makes sense. she said i'd need to braid my entire head in cornrows.

she asked more questions, gave me my appointment date, and handed me a sheet of paper with instructions:

1. please arrive at the sleep center by the time instructed.
2. shower and wash you hair with shampoo and soap before coming in for the test, DO NOT USE any hair spray, gel, body lotions, cremes, perfumes or oils on your hair or your body. DO NOT ARRIVE with any make-up, nail polish, artificial nails, or jewelry.
3. men should shave their chin prior to coming.
4. in general, we request that you obtain a normal night's sleep before the test; however, your doctor may instruct you to do otherwise. please continue to take all your regular medications and pursue your regular diet, unless instructed by your doctor.
5. avoid napping after 12 noon on the test day.
6. please bring: your favorite pillow, teddy bear, pajamas, loose clothing, book, magazine.
7. avoid alcohol and caffeine (coffee, tea, cola, chocolate, etc) for 12 hours prior to sleep study as they will affect the accuracy of the test. no sedatives should be taken before the test.
8. since we need to record a minimum of 6 hours of sleep, lights will be out at 10 p.m. the test is usually over by 6:00 and 6:30 a.m.
9. eat before coming to the sleep center.
10. bring all medications you would normally take during the course of the test.

of course i have a problem with these instructions. i can't have naked hair. i understand why they say not to use anything, because it will make it difficult for the censors to stick to my scalp, but i have plans to go out the next day, so my hair has to be twisted up in a certain way, with product. so, my plan is to pre-poo and wash my hair, and try my hardest not to get product onto my scalp.

on the 29th of this month, i'm leaving work early to come home to prepare myself to spend the night in a sleep lab in long island city. i'll be bringing a pair of pajamas, my fuzzy socks, darrel's satin pillow case-- since i can't wear a satin bonnet-- and my lady bug pillow pet. darrel is going to drive my mom and i, because she's terrified of driving through that sections of queens. my mom is staying the night with me. she'll be in a room next to mine.

honestly, i'm scared. being in situations like these tend to bring on panic attacks, like when i was on the table getting a ct scan after my fall. that's the main reason i'm asking my mom yo come with me.

this post is looking like it's a lot longer than i anticipated, so i'm ending it here. besides, my hands are swelling and my wrists are killing me. i need to hit the sheets, and i have class tomorrow.

right now..

in and out of sleep, feeling sicker than a mother. i'm surrounded by a mountain of snotty tissues, filled with yellow mucus. cold sweats, constant coughing, migraine, nausea.

darrel brought home a bacon angus burger from mcdonald's. i had to cut it in half and force feed myself just so i can take the amoxcilin. 

i called my manager while i was on my way home from the doctor. when i told him i had strep, he didn't even want me to come in for the rest of the week. understandable, strep is contagious and i sound horrid, but i'm definitely not complaining.

i had plans to go to dc this weekend to hang out with alex and my mini-muffin charleigh. so much for that..

ugh, i feel like poopie =[

life's supposed to be a party..

yesterday was a long one. i sent out an order of bracelets for my darling keeta in maryland, went to breakfast with darrel at one of the local diners, made bracelets for another order, one for my mom, and one for me to wear last night.

i'll start posting information for the bracelets soon.

last night i went to a little karaoke party for my friends's birthdays. i felt extra exhausted yesterday, but since i've gotten sicker i haven't seen my friends, so i really wanted to go. i left the house mentally prepared to handle the pain that would follow the next day.

i had a drink: about two shots worth of bacardi coconut mixed with pineapple juice. that got me a little tipsy-- i'm not a hard liquor drinker. i'm a wine and champagne type of lady.

overall, the night was fun: full of laughs. i love my girls to death.

today i felt so sluggish. i was doing pretty well for the most part: i drove around with my aunt for a bit, picked up the dogs from the groomer, went to the supermarket, and dunkin donuts. i was exhausted the whole time. as the day progressed, the migraine came on, and my head literally felt heavy. my eyes are red, which is really weird. and this damn cyst on my wrist is getting the best of me.

i should get to bed. tomorrow's a long day with work and school.

the nerve of my nerves.

on my way home from class last night, as i stood on the subway platform waiting for the a train, there are a couple of starving artists playing strings. they were damn good; in any other situation, they'd be quite soothing.

from the time i left work to the time i got to school, i had this really uneasy feeling; my breaths were becoming short and shallow. class went fine. great, actually. i was in my zone, drawing for hours, and there was really good energy in the class. for the commute home, that feeling showed itself again, and proved it was here to stay. on the train, my breaths became shorter and more shallow, and they continued as i got in the car with darrel and drove the rest of the way. by the time he pulled up to the house, i was extremely weak: he had to carry my bag to the house because it was loaded with sketchbooks and art supplies. i pressed my body against the door because i barely had enough energy to close it behind him, and as my mom asked me what was wrong, i broke down and cried. my legs got weaker, i collapsed in her arms, and i cried.

she just stood there, holding me.

and i cried.

and cried.

and cried.

she brought me into the kitchen and tried to get me to eat something; i had no appetite, i still could barely breathe. she tied my hair up in a bun, helped me downstairs to my basement apartment, undressed me, and got me into bed. she plugged in my humidifier, put on my white noise app, and that was my night.

11p, the typical fibro tingling came on stronger as ever, and i cried myself to sleep.

this morning, she crawled into my bed and held me some more. about an hour later, she called my job and left a voicemail for my office manager saying i wouldn't be in because i wasn't feeling well. her calling can either go pretty good, or really, really bad.

but if i can barely breathe to talk, what am i supposed to do?

i feel like i had ninety anxiety attacks...

--------------------------------------------------------------

the whole time my mom was with me last night, she kept saying she now has to take care of her husband and her only child. it really hurts my heart to see my mom have to go through all this, but i love her for being strong enough to cope.

now i'm in my bed; my legs are still numb, and i'm hungry. walking is the farthest thing from my mind right now because every single muscle in my body is sore. my dad is upstairs. i really hope his home attendant is coming today, because i really can't take care of both of us

i'll probably be on the computer between sleeping, eating, and crying, either watching hulu or getting some design work done.

evacuation; newburgh (i could've sworn i published this post; instead, it was in my drafts..)

i'm a pessimist that's watched far too many natural disaster type movies. with that said, i'm on my way upstate to newburgh.

it started with light what ifs between me and darrel, then my cousin, a katrina survivor, called and instantly put me in panic mode. then came a call from my eldest brother while we were having dinner at sea in williamsburg, asking what i intended on doing and if i wanted to come upstate.

my initial plan was to stay the night at darrel's and ride it out with him. i must admit, it might have been the stupidest plan, seeing that he's a whole lot closer to a body of water than i am, but it beats staying in the house alone.

my mom called my cell from barbados and left a voicemail as we were driving home. i didn't hesitate to call her back; i had no idea what to do. my phone bill isn't going to look too pretty next month. after telling her the different conversations i was having with my cousin and brother, she agreed that i should go upstate.

then another cousin called. she and her family live around the corner from me, and when she heard i was alone, she said "yea, pack your shit and go by your brother's."

so here i am: on the train, with a full bladder, going to newburgh. i'm honestly on the verge of tears because he latter part of today's been such a whirlwind, and i don't deal well in situations like these. what am i saying? i've never experienced a hurricane! jeez! i just hope i remembered my meds.

exploring new methods.

so yesterday's appointment with krishnamurthy: it was a whirlwind, to say the least. 

i told her about the heart palpitations, the lack of sleep, and the hot flashes. she explained that savella boosts the endorphins, and those side effects are a result of that. the nausea and brain fog have only gotten worse, and even though the medication has been controlling the flares, i still experience pain when my pressure points are touched. i also have been having flares since monday morning. with taking all of that into consideration, she decided to take me off of savella. she lowered my dosage to one pill a day for about a week to gradually get me off of it, since i'll go through withdrawal if i stop taking it suddenly.

krishnamurthy is stressing this aerobic activity thing. she told me to walk for five minutes as soon as i get home from work to get it out of the way. according to her, i may not feel the results the first week or two, but i will.  i'll give it a try. my friend dana swears i need to do thirty minutes of yoga on the weekends, so i'll try that to. 

once the medication is out of my system and i get into the habit of exercising, after about a month or so, we'll decide from there if i need to try another medication, like lyrica or cymbalta.

i asked about "self medicating" using marijuana: from a medical stand point, she's totally against it. she said it's only a short-term relief, and people who use that method tend to not want to do anything, "amotivational syndrome" she called it. she also said it's a harsher smoke than cigarettes on the lungs. this is definitely something i need to think about. 

i'm currently at my desk, in pain. my legs have been going numb, off and on, since yesterday morning. i'm leaving work in about three hours to meet up with darrel to go to another doctor's appointment; this time, it's for the neurologist to address this lack of sleep issue. 

i just want to be better already...

a random ramble..

all my tests came back normal! stool, sonograms, pap smears, blood: all good! no chrons! no weird shit in my ovaries! no stds! no lupus! so these random pains are just because, i guess..

i'm experiencing cramps for the first time in about five years. i wasn't on birth control last month because i had to get a new prescription, so now the cramps are ridiculous-- so ridiculous, i wore sweats to work yesterday.

i stayed home today. i need a personal day, because i really feel like i've been running myself ragged. i probably used up all of my paid sick days and personal time, so i'll just have to take it as a loss.

my parents are in barbados, where my dad's originally from. my mom flew down with him because he's too sick to travel alone-- he was diagnosed with parkinson's back in 2004-- so i'm home alone. with this damn hurricane coming. irene better act right and not flood my damn house. 


so i'm staying home this weekend. in my parent's bed. i may go to dinner tonight with darrel.

my hand's starting to swell as i'm typing, and i need to make an attempt at this logo for my etsy store, so later days..

random update.

forgive my absence, once again. things are crazy, as i am trying to keep myself somewhat busy and not so engulfed in this jail we call fibromyalgia.

super duper quick post before bed:

• saturday i went to lunch with my natural hair girls. i needed that. lots of good laughs. we went to coffee shop in union square; i love their herb fries!
• i started making bracelets. they're just cute little trinkets to keep me amused and entertained. i'm still debating if to sell them, since i tend to get aggravated when i have to depend on a hobby for a profit or income.
• today we had a little earthquake; it was more of an after shock. i didn't feel it in my office, but other buildings on the street did and they evacuated. cell service was down for a while, so i had a hard time getting in contact with my parents, darrel, or my family in virginia where the quake hit, but everyone's accounted for, and no one was injured.
• my tattoo's itching. horribly. i've never had a tat itch so much. but it's healing.
• tomorrow's another doctors appointment. i hope he doesn't agree with this whole sleep apnea theory.

that's about it. i'm watching whites on hulu until i knock out.

beautiful you.

darrel mentioned that i should do a post about how i manage to do my hair. for some, this may be one of the easiest tasks, but for me, it's far from that.

i have full, curly, natural hair. lots of it. it can be a hassle to detangle and condition, and painful to straighten. there've been times it would take me close to three hours to do my hair, only because my arms would hurt so badly.

i've gotten able to manage my hair daily, because i try to do very little to it while it's in its natural state. i keep the tangles and knots to a minimum, and it'll only take me about twenty minute, give or take, depending on what i'm doing to my hair.

but the pain got so bad, and it's been so tiresome, that i don't even straighten my hair anymore. my arms burn. horribly. i'd have to keep my arms raised for hours; sometimes i'd cry because it was so much hair to get through, and i know i had to finish. i can't remember the last time i straightened my hair myself; i have to go to a salon to have it done professionally. it can cost me close to $50, so i don't have it done that often.

now, my hair is stretched. i need to condition, wash with conditioner (cowash), and twist it to stretch it out. this will definitely take me a few hours to get it all done, but it can be don't a little at a time, so it's not that bad.

mini vacation 2011

so darrel (the boyfriend) and i went on a little mini vacation! we spent a few days in stafford, virginia with my cousin, roxanne, and her husband, monty. we took the bolt bus down thursday night, and friday morning, we hit the ground running. 


chick-fil-a for breakfast, massages at massage envy, bowling, lunch at cheeseburger in paradise, an impromptu shoot, and a nap. we had every intention of going to see captain america, but darrel and i were knocked out, so we drove to redbox and got come movies: lincoln lawyer and rango.

saturday, aunt mil came over to surprise me, and we all squeezed into the sentra and drove for about four hours to virginia beach. tons of traffic! i got a light tan, we grabbed some pizza, walked the strip, and headed back to stafford.

sunday, monty made pancakes for breakfast. my cousins interrogated darrel for about half an hour, then we hit the road. hopped on the bus in dc heading for nyc.

i had a great time. i really needed that little getaway. i was damn close to pain free, which made this vacation a lot better. 

i tried to stick to my routine with my meds as much as possible. i woke up every morning between 5:30 and 6a to take the first savella pill. i usually take the last pill between 7:30 and 8p, but we were never home at that time, and i never took the pack of pills with me. friday night, i napped through my normal pill taking time; i woke up two hours later to take it, then ended up staying awake and watching movies for another five hours. 

and i took lots naps; between the buses, driving, and that one nap on friday, i got at least eight or nine hours of napping in. 

but none the less, we had fun, and for the first time in a while, i wasn't worried about pain.