the last of 2011.

it's me. you haven't seen my face for a while, i know, and i'm sorry. things have been hectic, and life is slowly getting into a routine for me. i have to look back at other posts to see what i need to update. so much has happened, and i can't really remember the last few posts i did. this is bad =\

school: the semester didn't seem to end well for me. i barely did two decent assignments out of three, my heart and head just wasn't in it. my anxiety was at an all time high this semester, so when it came down to the last few components i needed to get a decent grade, i threw in the towel. i'm not mad in any way, because i know how hard it was for me. normally i wouldn't do this, but i admitted to my professor that i was overwhelmed: big mistake. i told him i had a lot going on in my life, and he decides to turn to the rest of the class with "is this class overwhelming for anyone else? does anyone else have shit going on in their lives?" how dare he? i was in no way using that as an excuse, since i blatantly said i didn't do what he asked, but don't broadcast my business to the rest of the class. 

but that's over. a few days ago, my mom asked what i'm doing next semester, and i said nothing. she flipped at first, but when i explained to her that i really need a break after the riot of this year with my health, she settled down.

i colored my hair a little, this ombre-kinda thing, so it's just the tips. you can't really see it, but i like it. i'm debating if to add more color; i just don't want to fry my hair and have to cut it off. 

sleep apnea: oh. my. goodness. this is torture. 

i got the cpap machine. i have to use it every single night. they're tracking it, and if i don't use it at least four hours a night, my insurance won't pay for it. boo hoo.

 the damn thing falls off almost twice a night. last night it stayed on, though. i noticed my hair plays a big part in keeping it in place. if my hair's in a pony tail, it's too smooth so the band just slides off. my hair's twisted, so there's more texture there for the band to hold on to. i'm glad i figured that out.

i threw a surprise anniversary party for my parents a few weekends ago. they've been married for twenty eight years. i love these old people. it was a lot of fun. my cousin brought his dj equipment and played great music, darrel bought a bunch of party platters from costco, and i got them a really small modern wedding cake. i even made punch de creme for the first time, and it came out really good! alex came up to help out the night before, and we exchanged christmas gifts. she really is one of my closest friends, even if she's four hours away.

christmas was good. darrel got me these toms i've been lusting over, and i got him a home photography studio. our one year anniversary is next weekend, and i can't wait to see what he has planned.

oh, and i'm starting savella again, but at a lower dosage this time. i'll get more into detail in a later post.

business has been decent. i've been really busy this past week! i actually have a meeting in a few hours to talk about expanding, which is why this post is so short.

it's new years eve, i'm about to get started with my usual traditions: i always bring in the new year with clean hair (which i washed last night), a fresh mani and pedi, which i'm about to get ready to take care of, and a new tee. i'll be wearing my babylon cartel tee i bought from my boys gianni and cory. i'm a big supporter of young business people. tonight we're having a small house party at darrel's.

my next post will be in 2012!

happy new year! 

my assignment.

i'm not too proud of it. eh..

sleep? what's that?

this weekend alone i've been feeling insanely sleep deprived. ugh..

when i saw the neurologist back in august, he gave me a referral for a sleep study. i finally saw the doctor this past thursday for the consultation. the doctors office alone freaked me out. the bed. the machines. all i could think was "am i really supposed to sleep here?"

dr. kala sury came in and looked me over: she checked my eyes and mouth, then looked up at the top of my head.

"is that all your hair?"

i was confused when she asked, but then she explained that it would be difficult to get to my scalp to perform the tests through all of my hair. it makes sense. she said i'd need to braid my entire head in cornrows.

she asked more questions, gave me my appointment date, and handed me a sheet of paper with instructions:

1. please arrive at the sleep center by the time instructed.
2. shower and wash you hair with shampoo and soap before coming in for the test, DO NOT USE any hair spray, gel, body lotions, cremes, perfumes or oils on your hair or your body. DO NOT ARRIVE with any make-up, nail polish, artificial nails, or jewelry.
3. men should shave their chin prior to coming.
4. in general, we request that you obtain a normal night's sleep before the test; however, your doctor may instruct you to do otherwise. please continue to take all your regular medications and pursue your regular diet, unless instructed by your doctor.
5. avoid napping after 12 noon on the test day.
6. please bring: your favorite pillow, teddy bear, pajamas, loose clothing, book, magazine.
7. avoid alcohol and caffeine (coffee, tea, cola, chocolate, etc) for 12 hours prior to sleep study as they will affect the accuracy of the test. no sedatives should be taken before the test.
8. since we need to record a minimum of 6 hours of sleep, lights will be out at 10 p.m. the test is usually over by 6:00 and 6:30 a.m.
9. eat before coming to the sleep center.
10. bring all medications you would normally take during the course of the test.

of course i have a problem with these instructions. i can't have naked hair. i understand why they say not to use anything, because it will make it difficult for the censors to stick to my scalp, but i have plans to go out the next day, so my hair has to be twisted up in a certain way, with product. so, my plan is to pre-poo and wash my hair, and try my hardest not to get product onto my scalp.

on the 29th of this month, i'm leaving work early to come home to prepare myself to spend the night in a sleep lab in long island city. i'll be bringing a pair of pajamas, my fuzzy socks, darrel's satin pillow case-- since i can't wear a satin bonnet-- and my lady bug pillow pet. darrel is going to drive my mom and i, because she's terrified of driving through that sections of queens. my mom is staying the night with me. she'll be in a room next to mine.

honestly, i'm scared. being in situations like these tend to bring on panic attacks, like when i was on the table getting a ct scan after my fall. that's the main reason i'm asking my mom yo come with me.

this post is looking like it's a lot longer than i anticipated, so i'm ending it here. besides, my hands are swelling and my wrists are killing me. i need to hit the sheets, and i have class tomorrow.

pics from the natural hair meet up last weekend with alex!

f#*%ing fibromyalgia

so i've been posting on my twitter page about wanting guest bloggers to share their experiences, and along came erin. our initial conversation was about keeping lint out of my natural hair; it was just a coincidence that we both have fibromyalgia. here's her story:

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as a guest blogger, i feel like i have to watch my colorful language as i try to describe the joys of fibromyalgia. for anyone who doesn't know, sometimes all the profanity in the world does not help.

 

it's an invisible, torturous, all consuming pain in the ass. when my symptoms first started to interfere with my daily life, i swore i was losing my mind. i couldn't explain how, all of a sudden, everything hurt. some days, it's just between my shoulder blades and the tops of my shoulders. there are nights when my legs feel like i've run an ultra-marathon. at times, i feel like a goddamn elephant is sitting on top of my head getting a piggy back as i try not to have a meltdown at my desk. i'm not in pain because i am depressed; but there are times where i am utterly depressed from the pain.

 

me, the life of the party. the girl who works two jobs and goes to school and parties all weekend and volunteers and blah blah blah; that same me can sometimes be found in the bathroom at work, hands on the counter staring in the mirror and wishing that the ground would come up and swallow me whole so that i can get some peace for a change.

 

yes, i'm glad i finally have a diagnosis. there's actually a name for the BS that i'm going through-- which means, i'm not crazy, i'm not "just tired/achy/irritable/exaggerating." there are other people who go through the exact same thing, and sometimes, there are things that may help.

 

i went to an acupuncturist the other day, only for him to tell me that i have fibromyalgia because i "think" i have it. and the minute i stop "thinking" it, it will go away and life will go back to normal. *head starts to swell from instant defensive angry reaction to this ignorance*

 

ok, so my hands will stop swelling? the chronic fatigue will magically cease? i will be able to go back to the gym without nearly dying? i can detangle my curly hair by myself without bursting into tears of pain and frustration? GREAT! thanks bud!

 

enough of my sarcastic rant ... there are days when i feel like all i do is complain-- which i absolutely hate. i hate listening to other people bitch and moan and i certainly do not enjoy hearing myself do it either. but because fibromyalgia is so invisible.. i feel that if i don't complain, nobody will know that i am legitimately in agony. those who know me see it in my eyes. but i hide it well, most days on purpose.

 

sometimes, another flight of stairs will mean i am going to pay for them for a week. at times, i'm silently staring at my 6inch stilettos because the vain me knows that i absolutely cannot go out on the town in flats. the other me knows that i will feel like i am wearing daggers up through my legs for four hours, and puts the shoes i so desperately love back on the shelf. lest i spend three days walking on tiptoes and praying for a miracle. or the zombie apocalypse. anything to make it stop.

 

i know i have not "accepted" my fibromyalgia. i have not come to terms with pacing myself. i don't feel ready to pace myself. i'm 21 years old! i want to be able to strut my stuff in my fabulous shoes, and i'm not ready to give that up. i miss the me that wasn't in pain.. but i'm finding her hard to remember.

 

phew! all this typing has my fingers burning. no joke, i think i need to go lay down. and i f@$#ing hate it!

 

 as we say on twitter, #thatisall.

 

 

ps - for those who don't have fibromyalgia: i'm having a flare today; right now. most days, i am the sweetest, most optimistic girl you'd ever want to meet! *cheesy grin*

sorry i haven't been updating so frequently, things have been kind of crazy. let's see if i can do a quick recap of the past few days:

• the side effects have been subsiding. the brain fog hasn't been as strong, i'm not as nauseated as i used to be, and my appetite is coming back. unfortunately, the sleep is still what it is.
• friday i went to dc to visit my alex for the weekend. we got facials at the aveda institute and got cupcakes at red velvet cupcakery in china town, and went to a natural hair meet-up at a great italian restaurant, vapiano. they actually have a location in  new york city, so i'll definitely try to check that out. i did a lot of shopping =]
• my medication schedule was thrown off over the weekend. i definitely need to work on getting it back on track.
• today the doctor's office called, which completely pissed me off. if i called you last week to tell you that i'm having heart palpitations because of the medication, why would the nurse call me to see if the doctor called me back? this was four hours ago. the damn doctor still hasn't called me back.
• my mom's begun this extensive research on homeopathic remedies for fibromyalgia. she wants me to go see a chinese herbalist.

that's about it, in a nutshell.

beautiful you.

darrel mentioned that i should do a post about how i manage to do my hair. for some, this may be one of the easiest tasks, but for me, it's far from that.

i have full, curly, natural hair. lots of it. it can be a hassle to detangle and condition, and painful to straighten. there've been times it would take me close to three hours to do my hair, only because my arms would hurt so badly.

i've gotten able to manage my hair daily, because i try to do very little to it while it's in its natural state. i keep the tangles and knots to a minimum, and it'll only take me about twenty minute, give or take, depending on what i'm doing to my hair.

but the pain got so bad, and it's been so tiresome, that i don't even straighten my hair anymore. my arms burn. horribly. i'd have to keep my arms raised for hours; sometimes i'd cry because it was so much hair to get through, and i know i had to finish. i can't remember the last time i straightened my hair myself; i have to go to a salon to have it done professionally. it can cost me close to $50, so i don't have it done that often.

now, my hair is stretched. i need to condition, wash with conditioner (cowash), and twist it to stretch it out. this will definitely take me a few hours to get it all done, but it can be don't a little at a time, so it's not that bad.