the last of 2011.

it's me. you haven't seen my face for a while, i know, and i'm sorry. things have been hectic, and life is slowly getting into a routine for me. i have to look back at other posts to see what i need to update. so much has happened, and i can't really remember the last few posts i did. this is bad =\

school: the semester didn't seem to end well for me. i barely did two decent assignments out of three, my heart and head just wasn't in it. my anxiety was at an all time high this semester, so when it came down to the last few components i needed to get a decent grade, i threw in the towel. i'm not mad in any way, because i know how hard it was for me. normally i wouldn't do this, but i admitted to my professor that i was overwhelmed: big mistake. i told him i had a lot going on in my life, and he decides to turn to the rest of the class with "is this class overwhelming for anyone else? does anyone else have shit going on in their lives?" how dare he? i was in no way using that as an excuse, since i blatantly said i didn't do what he asked, but don't broadcast my business to the rest of the class. 

but that's over. a few days ago, my mom asked what i'm doing next semester, and i said nothing. she flipped at first, but when i explained to her that i really need a break after the riot of this year with my health, she settled down.

i colored my hair a little, this ombre-kinda thing, so it's just the tips. you can't really see it, but i like it. i'm debating if to add more color; i just don't want to fry my hair and have to cut it off. 

sleep apnea: oh. my. goodness. this is torture. 

i got the cpap machine. i have to use it every single night. they're tracking it, and if i don't use it at least four hours a night, my insurance won't pay for it. boo hoo.

 the damn thing falls off almost twice a night. last night it stayed on, though. i noticed my hair plays a big part in keeping it in place. if my hair's in a pony tail, it's too smooth so the band just slides off. my hair's twisted, so there's more texture there for the band to hold on to. i'm glad i figured that out.

i threw a surprise anniversary party for my parents a few weekends ago. they've been married for twenty eight years. i love these old people. it was a lot of fun. my cousin brought his dj equipment and played great music, darrel bought a bunch of party platters from costco, and i got them a really small modern wedding cake. i even made punch de creme for the first time, and it came out really good! alex came up to help out the night before, and we exchanged christmas gifts. she really is one of my closest friends, even if she's four hours away.

christmas was good. darrel got me these toms i've been lusting over, and i got him a home photography studio. our one year anniversary is next weekend, and i can't wait to see what he has planned.

oh, and i'm starting savella again, but at a lower dosage this time. i'll get more into detail in a later post.

business has been decent. i've been really busy this past week! i actually have a meeting in a few hours to talk about expanding, which is why this post is so short.

it's new years eve, i'm about to get started with my usual traditions: i always bring in the new year with clean hair (which i washed last night), a fresh mani and pedi, which i'm about to get ready to take care of, and a new tee. i'll be wearing my babylon cartel tee i bought from my boys gianni and cory. i'm a big supporter of young business people. tonight we're having a small house party at darrel's.

my next post will be in 2012!

happy new year! 

it's almost over.

as usual, i'm swamped with homework and design assignments. i honestly can't wait until its all over. monday can't come fast enough! it's my last class for a while, since i'm taking next semester off.

as soon as i'm done with these assignments, i can write about the last few doctors appointments. i had three in two days. it's crazy.

damn mondays.

today's one of those days i want to cry because i'm feeling so bad. the exhaustion is behind ridiculous, and my hand's swelling to the point where it just hurts.

i'm on my way to school; there's no way i'm making it through the whole class.

crazy nyc weather.

thanksgiving pictures.

there are plenty more. i'll post them once my cousin sends them to me.

newness

sitting up in bed. might as well take this time to update.


*i'm craving frosted flakes. weird.



so here are the results for my sleep study.

i honestly don't understand any of it, until it gets to the conclusion: evidence of moderately severe obstructive sleep apnea. i got back to the sleep lab on friday to do the tests all over again with the face mask thing. this chronic fatigue and exhaustion is really getting to me.

my hands have been swollen for a few days now, but i can't stop what i need to do. i still have homework to finish for tomorrow and bracelets to make.

i'm finally getting the ganglion cyst taken care of. my doctor said it'll be drained, but my cousin says i need to have it surgically removed. who knows anymore.

i quit taking the herbs. i couldn't torture myself anymore. the herbalist said since i've had my condition for so long, i'll need to drink the herbs for a while. i don't have that kind of patience or strength, so screw it. it became unbearable to drink; i started throwing it down the drain once my mother cooked it for me. childish, i know. i'm an adult, i shouldn't have to do nonsense like that, on top of waste money to buy the damn things. i'd rather pay $35 a month on pills than $21 a week on herbs. i'm going back to the rheumatologist to talk about putting me on a lower dosage of savella. i actually had an appointment with her on wednesday, but i had to reschedule because i was so exhausted.

that's about it for now. i'm pretty sure something else will come up soon; it always does.

thanks.

as i'm having leftovers for breakfast, let me take this time to reflect.

i'm not thankful for my health, but i am thankful that i'm alive.

i'm thankful for the people in my life: my parents, the few family in my family that i have an amazing relationship with, my husband-to-be, my absolutely amazing friends-- travis, cory, alex and charleigh to name a few.

i'm thankful to have a job, a roof over my head, and that i've never experienced a day of hunger.

that's all.

i'll promise to do some posts this weekend.

it's not a good feeling when your family makes you feel like they loved you more when you were starving yourself.

good things come to those who wait.

i know i was supposed to write about the sleep study results a lot sooner, but it's a good thing i was so caught up doing other things.

last night, i had an appointment with dr. jhagroo, my primary care physician, about the cyst on my wrist and how we're getting rid of it. at the beginning of the appointment, he mentioned the results of my sleep study. i'm so glad i was given a hard copy!

tonight i'll scan it in and post it.

my assignment.

i'm not too proud of it. eh..

school daze.

i'm working on this two page graphic novel for class. i'm absolutely hating this, and i'm in a worlds worth of pain. i can't feel my arms. how am i supposed to draw if i can't feel my arms? i'm giving myself forty minutes to finish..

sleep study review.

this was probably one of this most nerve wrecking experiences ever.

first off, it took is forever to get there, and when we finally did, it looked like a whole in the wall.

fast forward to the set up: i had to pull a bunch of wires through my clothes to have the sensors on my legs. one went on my clavicle, on one my ribs, four in my scalp (this is why i was told to braid my hair), and a few more on my face. then came the tubes in my nose, followed by a piece of gauze stretched over my head and bands clipped around my torso to keep everything in place. when i was hooked up to the computers and we were ready to begin, i had to turn off my phone because the signals could interfere with the computers and cause me to have a seizure.

there was an intercom that the tech would use to communicate with me, and a camera. i was instructed to do things, like move my eyes, breathe through my nose alone, then my mouth alone, and hold my breath at the beginning and end of the test. if the results come back and i do have sleep apnea, i'd have to go back and to everything all over again, but i'll be given the oxygen tank and mask to figure out how much i'd need every night.

now here's the emotional part:
the night before the test, i cried. i got to the lab and i had the biggest attitude. when my mom and darrel left, i cried some more. while i was getting all the sensors put on me, these darling loved ones of mine thought it would be a good idea to take pictures and laugh. i asked them to stop, but of course, they didn't. that really hurt, and made me so angry. when i got home, my mom asked about my attitude; i told her, and she had the nerve to say i had no reason to act like that. that pissed me off even more.

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i started this post on monday morning; it's now thursday evening, and i'm on my way to doctor sury's office. he called monday morning when i got to work, saying she needs to see me. her tone of voice was very discomforting: you know that tone that doctors have when they have bad news.

we'll know very soon...

sleep lab bound.

here we go..

sleep study day!

don't i look excited? my hair is now washed and braided, and i'm looking like a 90s r&b singer. at least that's one less thing to do for tonight's sleep study. i need to throw my pajamas and pillow pet ina a bag, shower, eat, and be ready to go by 6:30p.

it's snowing in new york city. this is strange for october. we have to drive through the slush just to get to the sleep lab.

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last night darrel and i drove-- well, he drove us to nassau county in long island to go to the cheesecake factory. i've heard about them for years and never tried it. the food was average, as in most chain restaurants. the dulce de leche cheesecake was average, too. slight disappointment, but darrel was so excited to take me since i've never been, and he said i had such a long week and needed a date. this week, i was in tons of pain. a lot of soreness in my shoulders and legs, and swelling in my fingers. when i have flares, i get extra bitchy and moody, but he kept his cool. i love him.

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now culture(d). is up on etsy. making bracelets tend to calm me a bit. sales have been going pretty ok, luckily, i'm not depending on this to make a living. here are ten new bracelets i need to take pictures of an post, but of course, the weather's preventing me from doing so. in the mean time, if anyone wants to check out the online shop, it's CisforCultured.etsy.com

i got a bunch of packages in the mail! lately, i've been getting at least one almost every day, and they're always beads, but not this time. one package was a pair of black knockaround. fort knocks sunglasses i ordered a few days ago. darrel bought me these in tortoise when i got out of the emergency room. two days later, i went back to get a black pair and they were sold out. i wear a ton of black, so i'm uber excited to put these to use.

another package was a surprise from my favorite sis, alex. we started making jewelry about the same time, and she sent me her newest creation, duafe earrings. the duafe, or wooden comb, is the west african adinkra symbol for beauty, cleanliness, and desirable feminine qualities. i can't wait to wear these. i've actually been thinking about getting a duafe tattoo..

my square also came in the mail today! i can now take credit cards on site, so if anyone sees me and wants to buy a bracelet, you don't have to go through etsy! that actually wasn't the purpose of me getting this: that will be revealed at a later date.

i'm tired and in need a nap, but of course, i can't take one. i should attempt to get some things done before having to leave. maybe some homework, because i'm definitely behind.

i know i'll have a very emotional post to write once tonight is over.

tired. and frustrated.

the sleep study's this saturday, and i'll be there alone. my mom has to stay home to take care of my dad.

it's frustrating having a sick dad while you're sick-- i feel like i have no one to take care of me, or at least physically be there when i need them to.

that's all.

flaring.

i haven't had a flare in a pretty long time. a week or two maybe?

swollen hands, headache, sore and achy shoulders, not to mention my wrist. my body's throbbing and my stomach is killing me. i'm trying to fight through it. i have a graphic novel draft due on monday, on top of cleaning my basement apartment, making more bracelets, and taking the pics for the etsy site--which will be up by sunday night.

it's hard being in pain when your boyfriend's at a strip club, but that's a whole different story that i can't bare to think about.

dr. sury called. twice. first, she called a few days ago to change my appointment from friday to saturday, and that was fine. i had plans that i was definitely looking forward to, but this is more important. she called again tonight, trying to get me to come in tonight. the first thing that came to mind was having to wash and braid my hair in pain. luckily, my mom wasn't having it. she doesn't deal well with last minute issues.

on a brighter note, i came home to three packages! one was four strands of beads, another was my marc jacobs mini lock necklace, and the other was candles and a wallflower from bath and body works. and i did a little shopping at h&m during lunch.

let me get some cleaning done.

sleep? what's that?

this weekend alone i've been feeling insanely sleep deprived. ugh..

when i saw the neurologist back in august, he gave me a referral for a sleep study. i finally saw the doctor this past thursday for the consultation. the doctors office alone freaked me out. the bed. the machines. all i could think was "am i really supposed to sleep here?"

dr. kala sury came in and looked me over: she checked my eyes and mouth, then looked up at the top of my head.

"is that all your hair?"

i was confused when she asked, but then she explained that it would be difficult to get to my scalp to perform the tests through all of my hair. it makes sense. she said i'd need to braid my entire head in cornrows.

she asked more questions, gave me my appointment date, and handed me a sheet of paper with instructions:

1. please arrive at the sleep center by the time instructed.
2. shower and wash you hair with shampoo and soap before coming in for the test, DO NOT USE any hair spray, gel, body lotions, cremes, perfumes or oils on your hair or your body. DO NOT ARRIVE with any make-up, nail polish, artificial nails, or jewelry.
3. men should shave their chin prior to coming.
4. in general, we request that you obtain a normal night's sleep before the test; however, your doctor may instruct you to do otherwise. please continue to take all your regular medications and pursue your regular diet, unless instructed by your doctor.
5. avoid napping after 12 noon on the test day.
6. please bring: your favorite pillow, teddy bear, pajamas, loose clothing, book, magazine.
7. avoid alcohol and caffeine (coffee, tea, cola, chocolate, etc) for 12 hours prior to sleep study as they will affect the accuracy of the test. no sedatives should be taken before the test.
8. since we need to record a minimum of 6 hours of sleep, lights will be out at 10 p.m. the test is usually over by 6:00 and 6:30 a.m.
9. eat before coming to the sleep center.
10. bring all medications you would normally take during the course of the test.

of course i have a problem with these instructions. i can't have naked hair. i understand why they say not to use anything, because it will make it difficult for the censors to stick to my scalp, but i have plans to go out the next day, so my hair has to be twisted up in a certain way, with product. so, my plan is to pre-poo and wash my hair, and try my hardest not to get product onto my scalp.

on the 29th of this month, i'm leaving work early to come home to prepare myself to spend the night in a sleep lab in long island city. i'll be bringing a pair of pajamas, my fuzzy socks, darrel's satin pillow case-- since i can't wear a satin bonnet-- and my lady bug pillow pet. darrel is going to drive my mom and i, because she's terrified of driving through that sections of queens. my mom is staying the night with me. she'll be in a room next to mine.

honestly, i'm scared. being in situations like these tend to bring on panic attacks, like when i was on the table getting a ct scan after my fall. that's the main reason i'm asking my mom yo come with me.

this post is looking like it's a lot longer than i anticipated, so i'm ending it here. besides, my hands are swelling and my wrists are killing me. i need to hit the sheets, and i have class tomorrow.

camphor.

another old caribbean remedy. i remember growing up and having colds all the time. my mom would get some camphor, make a little pouch an pack it inside, and pin it to my undershirts.

my mom made me a pouch and i've been tying it to my bra strap all week. i love this smell.

so this strep throat..

as you remember, i was in bed sick last week from wednesday to sunday. monday morning, i woke up, went to work, and ended up back home by 4pm. the coughing was ridiculous, and my mom just couldn't take it. we literally ping-ponged ourselves all over the east side of brooklyn, trying to get me to an urgent care center, and when that failed, we were on a hunt for cough syrup.

my mom called a pharmacist and was instructed to give me buckley's cough syrup. we tried every pharmacy in our area, including the one that told us to get the cough syrup, and absolutely no one had it; not because they were sold out, but because they just didn't carry it. an associate at walgreen's told us that we'd need to go to a caribbean store to find it, which it suddenly made sense because it's used predominantly in the caribbean. we drove at least two miles, from mill basin to east flatbush, to a korean food store where they sell a lot of caribbean food and products, and i bought the buckley's, along with a bottle of ferrol compound.*

anyone that knows buckley's knows how horrible this stuff is. it tastes like rubbing alcohol and vicks vapor rub, and looks like semen. graphic, i know. i'm sorry.

i took it a few times; nothing worked.

my mom got in contact with our family doctor, and he called in a prescription for a cough syrup with promethazine. it's helped a tad, but not as quickly as my mom would like, so she bought this stuff at the health food store.

another horrible-tasting cough syrup.

*the ferrol compound is still in the bag i brought it home in.