talk about exhaustion..

i just fell asleep on the kitchen table and didn't even hear the timer go off for my tea.

alternative medicine.

today we went to the chinese acupuncturist and herbalist. the whole day, i made jokes about my mom going back to her roots for wanting to take me. her coworkers had rave reviews about how the herbs and acupuncture has helped with there ailments, and my mom said she'd do anything to find what makes me feel better. so this herbalist. dr. chi's office was in a tiny room in a building in chinatown. as soon as you walk in, the scent of all of the herbs just smacks you in the face.

he gave me a contract to read and sign, which made me panic. reading the side effects of acupuncture and the wording of his contract freaked me out completely. after we established i was not interested in the acupuncture aspect of his practice, we went into an even smaller room and started the consultation. i told him about the fibromyalgia, asthma, migraines, anxiety, and lack of sleep; he asked a bunch of questions and wrote everything down in chinese. he checked my pulse on both wrists-- his finger movements reminded me of accordion playing. he wrote some more things down in chinese, then he started shuffling through the wall of drawers behind his counter. 

dr. chi gave me two bags of a mixture of herbs, which would last me for four days, along with very strict instructions on how to cook them. he said the cooking method is very important. he gave us an example: there's an herb to relieve constipation that needs to be cooked for five minutes-- if it's cooked for thirty minutes, you'll get the worst case of diarrhea.

these are some of the herbs he prescribed. i actually asked him to write them down for me, but he said he doesn't know their english names.

so these are the cooking directions (i'm writing it as it is printed, so excuse the improper spelling/grammar:

cooking for the 1st time: empty herbs from the bag in a (ceramic/glass/stainless steal) pot. and 40 oz. of cols water, cover the lid. high fire, bring to boil. turn fire to medium, simmer for 45 minutes. shut off the fire, and pour out the tea. should have about 10 oz. of tea. remain the herbs in the pot for the 2nd time cooking.

cooking for the 2nd time: add 20oz. of cold water into the remaining herb from the first time. high fire, bring to boil. turn fire to medium, simmer for 30 minutes. shut off the fire, pour out the tea. should have another 10oz. of tea. put in refrigerator to keep fresh for the next day use. 

drink direction:

drink the herbal tea 1 hour after lunch. or 1 hour after dinner (3 hours before bed time). never drink the tea on an empty stomach. always drink when it's still very warm. be careful do not get burn. never drink the tea when it's cold.

so we followed the directions and this was the result. this was absolutely the most disgusting thing i've ever ingested, but at least dr. chi put a brown sugar cube in the bag to cook with the tea.

my mom was prepared to dish out a hefty amount of money, but since i didn't get the acupuncture and only bough herbs, she only paid $21: each bag of herbs was $8, and he charged $5 to check my pulse.

i drank the tea about two and a half hours ago, which is why i'm awake writing this post. as exhausted as i am, i'm trying to follow these directions and not sleep until three hours after drinking it. i did some homework for my illustration class, made three bracelets, and started a new strand of waist beads before starting this. 

i'm sitting in my living room, watching chopped champions ondemand, in a world's worth of pain. my left foot is ridiculously swollen, along with my right hand. my left wrist with the cyst, hips, and shoulders are throbbing. i'm hungry, and everything hurts. i just want to eat and sleep.

...people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

i love me some maya angelou.

life's supposed to be a party..

yesterday was a long one. i sent out an order of bracelets for my darling keeta in maryland, went to breakfast with darrel at one of the local diners, made bracelets for another order, one for my mom, and one for me to wear last night.

i'll start posting information for the bracelets soon.

last night i went to a little karaoke party for my friends's birthdays. i felt extra exhausted yesterday, but since i've gotten sicker i haven't seen my friends, so i really wanted to go. i left the house mentally prepared to handle the pain that would follow the next day.

i had a drink: about two shots worth of bacardi coconut mixed with pineapple juice. that got me a little tipsy-- i'm not a hard liquor drinker. i'm a wine and champagne type of lady.

overall, the night was fun: full of laughs. i love my girls to death.

today i felt so sluggish. i was doing pretty well for the most part: i drove around with my aunt for a bit, picked up the dogs from the groomer, went to the supermarket, and dunkin donuts. i was exhausted the whole time. as the day progressed, the migraine came on, and my head literally felt heavy. my eyes are red, which is really weird. and this damn cyst on my wrist is getting the best of me.

i should get to bed. tomorrow's a long day with work and school.

so i've had a fever for the past twenty four hours or so. that explains a lot.

damn these migraines.

the nerve of my nerves.

on my way home from class last night, as i stood on the subway platform waiting for the a train, there are a couple of starving artists playing strings. they were damn good; in any other situation, they'd be quite soothing.

from the time i left work to the time i got to school, i had this really uneasy feeling; my breaths were becoming short and shallow. class went fine. great, actually. i was in my zone, drawing for hours, and there was really good energy in the class. for the commute home, that feeling showed itself again, and proved it was here to stay. on the train, my breaths became shorter and more shallow, and they continued as i got in the car with darrel and drove the rest of the way. by the time he pulled up to the house, i was extremely weak: he had to carry my bag to the house because it was loaded with sketchbooks and art supplies. i pressed my body against the door because i barely had enough energy to close it behind him, and as my mom asked me what was wrong, i broke down and cried. my legs got weaker, i collapsed in her arms, and i cried.

she just stood there, holding me.

and i cried.

and cried.

and cried.

she brought me into the kitchen and tried to get me to eat something; i had no appetite, i still could barely breathe. she tied my hair up in a bun, helped me downstairs to my basement apartment, undressed me, and got me into bed. she plugged in my humidifier, put on my white noise app, and that was my night.

11p, the typical fibro tingling came on stronger as ever, and i cried myself to sleep.

this morning, she crawled into my bed and held me some more. about an hour later, she called my job and left a voicemail for my office manager saying i wouldn't be in because i wasn't feeling well. her calling can either go pretty good, or really, really bad.

but if i can barely breathe to talk, what am i supposed to do?

i feel like i had ninety anxiety attacks...

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the whole time my mom was with me last night, she kept saying she now has to take care of her husband and her only child. it really hurts my heart to see my mom have to go through all this, but i love her for being strong enough to cope.

now i'm in my bed; my legs are still numb, and i'm hungry. walking is the farthest thing from my mind right now because every single muscle in my body is sore. my dad is upstairs. i really hope his home attendant is coming today, because i really can't take care of both of us

i'll probably be on the computer between sleeping, eating, and crying, either watching hulu or getting some design work done.

i got home from class and collapsed in my mother's arms and cried because i'm so weak. i can't do this.

no more meds.

shocking, i know, but it's been a little over a week, i think, and i'm completely off of any medication given to me by the doctors. i honestly felt better when i was taking the savella, minus the nausea and what not.

the exhaustion has gotten to a new extreme. i always fall asleep on the train in the morning on my way to work. tuesday, i was so exhausted, i didn't even bother to get off at my stop. i was awake once the train got to penn station, but i was just so exhausted, i couldn't move. i got off at the next stop and walked back six blocks to my office.

last night, i took one of the rozerem sleeping pills dr. jhagroo gave me. my body despises sleep at night! you'd think that after taking a sleeping pill that once used to knock me out for three days, i would at least sleep through the night-- nope.

this is just getting too much for me to handle.

evacuation; newburgh (i could've sworn i published this post; instead, it was in my drafts..)

i'm a pessimist that's watched far too many natural disaster type movies. with that said, i'm on my way upstate to newburgh.

it started with light what ifs between me and darrel, then my cousin, a katrina survivor, called and instantly put me in panic mode. then came a call from my eldest brother while we were having dinner at sea in williamsburg, asking what i intended on doing and if i wanted to come upstate.

my initial plan was to stay the night at darrel's and ride it out with him. i must admit, it might have been the stupidest plan, seeing that he's a whole lot closer to a body of water than i am, but it beats staying in the house alone.

my mom called my cell from barbados and left a voicemail as we were driving home. i didn't hesitate to call her back; i had no idea what to do. my phone bill isn't going to look too pretty next month. after telling her the different conversations i was having with my cousin and brother, she agreed that i should go upstate.

then another cousin called. she and her family live around the corner from me, and when she heard i was alone, she said "yea, pack your shit and go by your brother's."

so here i am: on the train, with a full bladder, going to newburgh. i'm honestly on the verge of tears because he latter part of today's been such a whirlwind, and i don't deal well in situations like these. what am i saying? i've never experienced a hurricane! jeez! i just hope i remembered my meds.

school days.

monday night was my first night after class, and i must say, it was probably one of the longest nights of my life. i'm beginning to question whether or not i'll continue next semester for many reasons, the main one being my health.

we shall see.

natural living.

my mom called me at work the other day and simply said "you're going to stop taking the doctor's medications. i'm buying you things and i you're going to try it because i want you to feel better."

this is what she came home with. i love that woman.

never forget.

today's a harsh one. ten years later, and it still feels like yesterday. i miss and love you so much uncle billy. rest in peace; 1957-2001.

insomnia driven production.

tons of bracelets in the middle of a flare. my fingers are freakishly swollen now.

blogger app.

trying this out.

i'm having a really bad night.

sucking on ice chips to soothe me; pregnant activities..

switching things up.

and i am officially off of savella. monday was my last day taking it.
 
now, you’d think i’d be done with meds for a while, right? wrong…
 
so i went to the neurologist about my sleep, dr. rozner. fyi: you don’t go to a neurologist for insomnia. i have no idea why jhagroo sent me to him, but i digress. so rozner was beyond confused as to why i was sitting in his office, but to not waste a visit to yet another doctor, he gave me the referral for the sleep study. he definitely did attempt to find the root of the problem. he asked about my daily habits and caffeine intake, and my constant migraines came up. i ran down the list of pills i’ve taken for them: imetrex, aleve, excedrin, prescription strength ibuprofen, etc. he said those are symptomatic medications, and that i need to be taking preventative medications.
 
my options were amitriptyline or gabapentin. sitting in his office, i’ve never heard of either medication; after his explanation, all i understood was “gabapentin will sedate you for about six to eight hours,” so that’s what i chose.
 
i did some research after my appointment:

amitriptyline is used for conditions like depressive and anxiety disorders, adhd, migraine prophylaxis, eating disorders, bipolar disorder, and insomnia. it’s also used in spondylitis for pain relief, the treatment of nocturnal enuresis in children, post traumatic stress disorder, tinnitus, chronic cough, carpal tunnel, fibromyalgia, vulvodynia, interstitial cystitis, irritable bowel syndrome, diabetic peripheral neuropathy, neurological pain, laryngeal sensory neuropathy, and painful paresthesias related to multiple sclerosis. typically, lower dosages are required for pain modification of 10 to 50 mg daily. some side effects are drowsiness and a dry mouth, weight gain, changes in appetite, muscle stiffness, nausea, constipation, nervousness, dizziness, blurred vision, urinary retention, insomnia, and changes in sexual function. some rare side effects include seizures, tinnitus, hypotension, mania, psychosis, sleep paralysis, heart block, arrhythmias, lip and mouth ulcers, extrapyramidal symptoms, depression, tingling pain or numbness in the feet or hands, yellowing of the eyes or skin, pain or difficulty passing urine, confusion, abnormal production of milk in females, breast enlargement in both males and females, fever with increased sweating, and suicidal thoughts.

gabapentin is used mainly for the treatment of seizures, neuropathic pain, and hot flashes., and can be used to treat migraines, bipolar disorders, and pain.  it provides significant pain relief in about a third of people who take it for fibromyalgia or chronic neuropathic pain. it’s also effective in reducing narcotic usage post operatively and is helpful in neuropathic pain due to cancer. it’s approved for treatment of focal seizures, partial and mixed seizure disorders. it can help with acquired pendular nystagmus and infantile nystagmus, menopausal symptoms, and can reduce pain and spasticity in multiple sclerosis. gabapentin has been prescribed in the mental health context. trials show that it is not effective as a mood-stabilizing treatment for bipolar disorder and so has no therapeutic advantage in having fewer side-effects over better established bipolar drugs such as lithium and valproic acid. it has limited usefulness in the treatment of anxiety disorders such as social anxiety disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder, in treatment-resistant depression, and for insomnia. it can also cause weight gain. a trial found gabapentin ineffective for the treatment of idiopathic subjective tinnitus. it's most common side effects in adult patients include dizziness, drowsiness, and peripheral edema, or swelling of extremities, which these mainly occur at higher doses in the elderly. also, children 3–12 years of age were observed to be susceptible to mild-to-moderate mood swings, hostility, concentration problems, and hyperactivity. although rare, there are several cases of hepatotoxicity reported. it should be used carefully in patients with renal impairment due to possible accumulation and toxicity. gabapentin has been associated with an increased risk of suicidal acts or violent deaths. in 2009, the FDA issued a warning of an increased risk of depression and suicidal thoughts and behaviors in patients taking gabapentin, along with other anticonvulsant drugs modifying the packaging insert to reflect this. in july 2009, the manufacturer of gabapentin (pfizer) went to trial regarding the association between gabapentin and the increased risk of suicide.
gabapentin should not be discontinued abruptly after long term use. abrupt or over rapid withdrawal may provoke a withdrawal syndrome reminiscent to alcohol or benzodiazepine withdrawal. gradual reduction over a period of weeks or months helps minimize or prevents the withdrawal syndrome. side effects upon discontinuation of gabapentin that have been reported in medical literature include insomnia, restlessness, agitation, anxiety, disorientation, confusion, light sensitivity, diaphoresis, headaches, palpitations, hypertension, chest pain, and flu-like symptoms. in at least one case, abrupt cessation of a high dose of gabapentin triggered a seizure in an individual with no history of epilepsy.

that's a whole lot of shit; a little nerve wrecking, if you ask me.

dr. rozner wants me to take one 300mg capsule of gabapentin once a day for a week, then increase to two at bedtime.

today is day three taking gabapentin, and i'm absolutely hating it. it's written across my
face how exhausted i am, and this is only the beginning. 

and i'm in killer pain?! i swear i'm about to have another breakdown. 

so much for the valerian root..

my mom claims she saw an improvement: i didn't wake up looking at tired and my eyes were brighter. honestly, i just felt like shit, as usual. completely out of id, drained, groggy, and exhausted.

on a brighter note, this tip helped someone. here's a tweet i got:

i'm glad this helped someone. i just need to find something that works for me..

exploring new methods.

so yesterday's appointment with krishnamurthy: it was a whirlwind, to say the least. 

i told her about the heart palpitations, the lack of sleep, and the hot flashes. she explained that savella boosts the endorphins, and those side effects are a result of that. the nausea and brain fog have only gotten worse, and even though the medication has been controlling the flares, i still experience pain when my pressure points are touched. i also have been having flares since monday morning. with taking all of that into consideration, she decided to take me off of savella. she lowered my dosage to one pill a day for about a week to gradually get me off of it, since i'll go through withdrawal if i stop taking it suddenly.

krishnamurthy is stressing this aerobic activity thing. she told me to walk for five minutes as soon as i get home from work to get it out of the way. according to her, i may not feel the results the first week or two, but i will.  i'll give it a try. my friend dana swears i need to do thirty minutes of yoga on the weekends, so i'll try that to. 

once the medication is out of my system and i get into the habit of exercising, after about a month or so, we'll decide from there if i need to try another medication, like lyrica or cymbalta.

i asked about "self medicating" using marijuana: from a medical stand point, she's totally against it. she said it's only a short-term relief, and people who use that method tend to not want to do anything, "amotivational syndrome" she called it. she also said it's a harsher smoke than cigarettes on the lungs. this is definitely something i need to think about. 

i'm currently at my desk, in pain. my legs have been going numb, off and on, since yesterday morning. i'm leaving work in about three hours to meet up with darrel to go to another doctor's appointment; this time, it's for the neurologist to address this lack of sleep issue. 

i just want to be better already...