the nerve of my nerves.

on my way home from class last night, as i stood on the subway platform waiting for the a train, there are a couple of starving artists playing strings. they were damn good; in any other situation, they'd be quite soothing.

from the time i left work to the time i got to school, i had this really uneasy feeling; my breaths were becoming short and shallow. class went fine. great, actually. i was in my zone, drawing for hours, and there was really good energy in the class. for the commute home, that feeling showed itself again, and proved it was here to stay. on the train, my breaths became shorter and more shallow, and they continued as i got in the car with darrel and drove the rest of the way. by the time he pulled up to the house, i was extremely weak: he had to carry my bag to the house because it was loaded with sketchbooks and art supplies. i pressed my body against the door because i barely had enough energy to close it behind him, and as my mom asked me what was wrong, i broke down and cried. my legs got weaker, i collapsed in her arms, and i cried.

she just stood there, holding me.

and i cried.

and cried.

and cried.

she brought me into the kitchen and tried to get me to eat something; i had no appetite, i still could barely breathe. she tied my hair up in a bun, helped me downstairs to my basement apartment, undressed me, and got me into bed. she plugged in my humidifier, put on my white noise app, and that was my night.

11p, the typical fibro tingling came on stronger as ever, and i cried myself to sleep.

this morning, she crawled into my bed and held me some more. about an hour later, she called my job and left a voicemail for my office manager saying i wouldn't be in because i wasn't feeling well. her calling can either go pretty good, or really, really bad.

but if i can barely breathe to talk, what am i supposed to do?

i feel like i had ninety anxiety attacks...

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the whole time my mom was with me last night, she kept saying she now has to take care of her husband and her only child. it really hurts my heart to see my mom have to go through all this, but i love her for being strong enough to cope.

now i'm in my bed; my legs are still numb, and i'm hungry. walking is the farthest thing from my mind right now because every single muscle in my body is sore. my dad is upstairs. i really hope his home attendant is coming today, because i really can't take care of both of us

i'll probably be on the computer between sleeping, eating, and crying, either watching hulu or getting some design work done.